I know, not exactly the best use of a word for a mom but I’m really lacking a better word here. And ‘butterfly’ just doesn’t cut it in this context.
Between the last blog post and this one, I’ve been toggling a lot between my almost-defunct twitter account, reminiscing good & bad old days of baking my first bun in the oven at “The Bakery” over at tumblr, re-learning the ropes of instagram over lunch with br today (apparently I’ve been hash tagging instead of @ tagging. Doh.), tsking at insane number of blogger accounts (and glimpsing through memory lane) I used to have to match my phase of the moment, toying with the idea of switching the current wordpress to another html5 server in hopes of everything will migrate the way I want it to be + produce even more design wonders for the ever tech-challenged me, catching on the wave at pinterest, accepting overdue connections on LinkedIn AND laughing at all the dorky photos I used to take/pose for/blog about/keep over at my 9 yr-old multiply account.
I’ve been leaving crumbs of my digital footprint almost everywhere and suddenly it feels more of a mess than a strategic intention to stay connected. Tidying up feels like more work then wedding preparations or
trying for a baby. And sometimes I wished there was a multipurpose ‘DELETE’ button that I could hit to have it all erased and start over (though nothing ever really gets erased).
Yet on the other end of emotions, reading through those digital past did bring me bittersweet moments and made me appreciate my current destination and journey that I’m still on today even more.
It’s clean slate vs. well aged vino.
Today I stumbled on this post from one of my 8 social accounts and couldn’t help but well up in tears.
I rolled out of bed early today because I had a lunch appointment with 2 friends. The venue of appointment required me to take 2 trains & a bus to get there but I was all happy to do so. There was something in the air that was making me smile and my heart palpitate just meeting 2 girls for lunch. Perhaps positivity aye.
And then after a round of enjoyable Thai food and cheesecakes, we said our goodbyes. But since I hardly venture to the extreme East, I decided to do some shopping and trying of clothes… till I received a call from the hospital.
I had my blood test done some 2 days ago (they had to tell me that they were drawing 4 tubes of blood from me despite requesting to hear none of that), and the results were out. The nurse on the phone mentioned that I was tested positive for something (immediately I felt faint) and requested me down for another re-test in the next couple of days because “the doctor was concerned”.
I wasn’t too worried initially until I posted a comment up on the forum only to have it flooded by answers that I could be faced with a possibility of never having our own kid. It saddened me deeply & greatly and tears streamed as I walked home. The husband called during of my walk home (perhaps he sensed something) and asked how my day was. I couldn’t contain it. And by the time I broke the news, I was quite the wreck.
The husband was calm though. Told me that as long as his blood work was okay, our fetus had a 50-50 chance of being okay. I don’t know if it was his tone or his words but everything soon felt okay.
I’m just praying, praying that the re-test will turn out fine and that our desires will be finally answered.
And as much as I’m grateful for my little man whose been doing nothing but making my past 231 days & counting an absolute delight to be around with every single day, this post reiterated how much Liam means the world to me and what a miracle he is.
From a 50-50 chance, to an implied statement that my early pregnancy might be terminated by an insensitive medical staff, to birthing a beautiful & healthy baby boy the Lord gifted us with; it’s moments like these when I’m so so so thankful to have some form of digital log to fall back on.
A trail of scattered mess it may be…but its value worth more than gold. Don’t be too quick to delete or erase those stories just yet. There’s always the option to password protect it :)