I know, not exactly the best use of a word for a mom but I’m really lacking a better word here. And ‘butterfly’ just doesn’t cut it in this context.

Between the last blog post and this one, I’ve been toggling a lot between my almost-defunct twitter account, reminiscing good & bad old days of baking my first bun in the oven at “The Bakery” over at tumblr, re-learning the ropes of instagram over lunch with br today (apparently I’ve been hash tagging instead of @ tagging. Doh.), tsking at insane number of blogger accounts (and glimpsing through memory lane) I used to have to match my phase of the moment, toying with the idea of switching the current wordpress to another html5 server in hopes of everything will migrate the way I want it to be + produce even more design wonders for the ever tech-challenged me, catching on the wave at pinterest, accepting overdue connections on LinkedIn AND laughing at all the dorky photos I used to take/pose for/blog about/keep over at my 9 yr-old multiply account.

I’ve been leaving crumbs of my digital footprint almost everywhere and suddenly it feels more of a mess than a strategic intention to stay connected. Tidying up  feels like more work then wedding preparations or trying for a baby. And sometimes I wished there was a multipurpose ‘DELETE’ button that I could hit to have it all erased and start over (though nothing ever really gets erased).

Yet on the other end of emotions, reading through those digital past did bring me bittersweet moments and made me appreciate my current destination and journey that I’m still on today even more.

It’s clean slate vs. well aged vino.

Today I stumbled on this post from one of my 8 social accounts and couldn’t help but well up in tears.

I rolled out of bed early today because I had a lunch appointment with 2 friends. The venue of appointment required me to take 2 trains & a bus to get there but I was all happy to do so. There was something in the air that was making me smile and my heart palpitate just meeting 2 girls for lunch. Perhaps positivity aye.

And then after a round of enjoyable Thai food and cheesecakes, we said our goodbyes. But since I hardly venture to the extreme East, I decided to do some shopping and trying of clothes… till I received a call from the hospital.

I had my blood test done some 2 days ago (they had to tell me that they were drawing 4 tubes of blood from me despite requesting to hear none of that), and the results were out. The nurse on the phone mentioned that I was tested positive for something (immediately I felt faint) and requested me down for another re-test in the next couple of days because “the doctor was concerned”. 

I wasn’t too worried initially until I posted a comment up on the forum only to have it flooded by answers that I could be faced with a possibility of never having our own kid. It saddened me deeply & greatly and tears streamed as I walked home. The husband called during of my walk home (perhaps he sensed something) and asked how my day was. I couldn’t contain it. And by the time I broke the news, I was quite the wreck. 

The husband was calm though. Told me that as long as his blood work was okay, our fetus had a 50-50 chance of being okay. I don’t know if it was his tone or his words but everything soon felt okay. 

I’m just praying, praying that the re-test will turn out fine and that our desires will be finally answered. 

And as much as I’m grateful for my little man whose been doing nothing but making my past 231 days & counting an absolute delight to be around with every single day, this post reiterated how much Liam means the world to me and what a miracle he is.

From a 50-50 chance, to an implied statement that my early pregnancy might be terminated by an insensitive medical staff, to birthing a beautiful & healthy baby boy the Lord gifted us with; it’s moments like these when I’m so so so thankful to have some form of digital log to fall back on.

A trail of scattered mess it may be…but its value worth more than gold. Don’t be too quick to delete or erase those stories just yet. There’s always the option to password protect it :)

CD16, May cycle

I had a nice afternoon out catching up & shopping with a good friend (she’s back from a 2-week Europe trip) today but that’s not the point of this blog entry.

Continuing from my adventure of peeing on OPK sticks after my happy dance last night, I managed to snag a last box (Watsons had a 20% off so I could only assume the reason why there was only 1 box left) today and started my peeing-rendezvous again tonight.

My usual routine would usually peeing on the stick, letting the result takes its time to show while I pop into the shower and then coming out to read it. I was expecting a smiley face tonight of course, but I saw a blank one.

I had a mini freak-out attack. I read & re-read the instructions on the box & leaflet. They mentioned that Clear Blue Digital Ovulation Kit lets you know your 2 more fertile days / when to make love that baby but it was registering a blank face! A blank face!!!!!!!!

I knew that the husband was preparing to babydancing tonight since yesterday’s happy dance and my agreeing to wait till today  (we practice the alternate day dance during the fertile window) and as much as I felt like telling him that ‘there’s no point, its showing a negative today and we’ve most likely missed the window which was supposed to be yesterday’, I did my best to disguise my disappointment, shoo-ed him to the shower and waited for him to hop on to bed. I didn’t want to make him feel worse than I was for not doing the deed yesterday because he was really all tired out and also thought that perhaps some BD could ease away some of the sadness that was quickly filling up every space of my brain.
I don’t know if it did, but at the end of the entire act, I let out a smile (perhaps of guilt for not telling him that it wouldn’t matter anyway) and told myself that we’ve done our part, will pray & hope for the best, and leave the rest to God.

Part of me wants to continue peeing on sticks tomorrow to see what happens. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t have bought another box of sticks and peed my way to depression.

I don’t know what to think at the moment. I need a good distraction right now. Or perhaps I just need some sleep. Something keeps telling me its not this month, but the next. I don’t know why, but its a nagging one.

When I first decided to get more ‘serious’ with the whole baking baby-making business earlier this year (by quitting my job), one thing that I did fairly quickly was to surf for fertility related information and subscribe to whatever newsletters were out there.

If there was a new research on a diet, a workout, a thought process that could aid fertility, I wanted to be in the know. Pronto.

Soon, I was bookmarking (in)fertility blogs and reading them on a regular basis to get a sense of belonging that I wasn’t in this alone as I felt especially lonely during the monthly pee-on-the-stick moment of truths in the loo. I also began participating in forum threads, subscribing to fertility related newsletters and watching more webcasts/videos online.


It soon started with a book a friend (now mother of two) loaned me, ‘Supernatural Childbirth‘ that I read while on the way out or back. Then a trip to the bookstore stopped me in my tracks at the Pregnancy section to pick up ‘What to Expect before you’re expecting‘ (loved the fact that there wasn’t anyone else there and I received no weird stares). An e-newsletter which led me to fertility ‘bringer of babies’ Gabriela Rosa soon coaxed me to purchase her book on ‘Eat your way to parenthood‘ online (since I loved eating), and the most recent being Nerida Walker’s ‘God’s plan for pregnancy‘ because after ‘Supernatural Childbirth’, I wanted a book that could give me another faith breakthrough. No wait, the most recent was yesterday’s purchase on Amazon of ‘Take Charge of Your Fertility‘ after reading Elphaba’s account of Vag Gold and then shortly after reading that she got a BFP. I was absolutely on a row.

So currently I’ve 4 (potentially 5) books lying around the room at any one time. And every day, I’d read a few pages just to cultivate my fertility brain although I’m mindful of not falling into the obsession trap again. I’ve also realized what a saver these books are that I can just dump them into my bag and read them while waiting in line for my various consultations.

My fertility stash of books is starting to look like a tiny library for now, but I would love to complete it with some real pregnancy books. And when that golden moment comes, I’d dedicate a cubby hole in my shelves just for it.
I got a good feeling about this.

p/s: Realized that I also purchased 3 e-books prior to purchasing any paperbacks. Anybody wants a loan?

I woke up bright & early this morning right after hubby set off for work, checked my email for an anticipated reply from my new ob/gyn and read today’s daily devotional which was titled ‘Lord, I Cannot, But You Can!’.

It spoke about turning one’s life over to God and learning about His grace. I couldn’t agree more with the content. In my (our) quest to build a little family of our own over the past 2 years, I’ve been insanely pleading, asking, begging (even) with God for a full-term pregnancy while not entirely leaning & depending on God. And I felt ashamed & guilty of that.

It was like my faith was calling me (the kettle) black.

So starting from today, I need to learn how to lean in God’s grace to experience effortless & permanent changes in my life on the inside & out. While I will still strive to take care of myself, I will refrain from thinking & worrying too much and leaving everything else in God’s hands.

About time I walk the talk.

Hi little one,

mommy was really disappointed today because when she went for her morning pee and was greeted with a swipe of red.

Ironically as much as mommy tried her best to believe that maybe you were going to happen, at the back of her mind she couldn’t help but check for red stains whenever she went on loo visits. Shame on my faith.

Mommy couldn’t bring herself to have a decent conversation with daddy today, even though daddy was lovely, stroking her and hugging her whenever possible. Daddy also told mommy that he was disappointed, but he managed to handle it much better in terms of emotions. Mommy was quite the emotional wreck.

I know you belong to us, because it is written that you (children) are our reward(s). We look forward to that moment when your creation sends us 2 lines on the pee stick.

I know it will be a great moment – much like the day of our wedding.

And I know it will be soon, either this coming month or the next. I can feel it. And its strong.
xoxo

I may be obsessing & focusing too much on this whole ttc cycle. And I need to get out of this, for my own and for the future little one’s good.

I’ve been reading a book – God’s Plan for Pregnancy – which has been outlining powerful truths in God’s word for all areas of childbearing and how to apply them to my life. And it was very alarming yet refreshing to be aware that though we may say we confess God’s faith our actions can completely contradict it especially when we tend to pay too much attention to our natural situations and realm.

I want to strengthen my spiritual realm because I believe it will do good at so many levels – for the marriage, for our soon to be family, for conception, for my own growth.

And I know I can do it with God in me. I need to abide with him.

After much discussion, debate, deliberation, I’ve finally decided to leave my job in pursuit of a more wholesome life – family life. I’ve always tried and somewhat managed to balance work & play (well technically, since play comes after work and getting that monthly salary) but not family. Especially family planning. I suck at that whole game.

Being married for 32 months and trying for at least 26 and really trying for the last 12 (okay, we really underestimated the whole getting preggy game), I’ve decided that the whole blame game on work stress needs to come to an end. I need to learn how to take things in my stride . And I need to learn how to live & enjoy living once again, how God had intended for our lives to be. And I need to learn how to re-cultivate God’s presence into my life again. I need to start being anxious for nothing. And basically just do the cliche thing that everyone’s been telling me: relax (hmm…)

It’s not going to be easy. Not being able to covet that holiday or bag in a swipe of a card. But I know that this decision will lead to bigger and better things to come.

And I just know.