SO. I haven’t been updating much on the blog.

It’s been hard to, when things you don’t anticipate to happen, happen. Hitting you in the face amidst motherhood firsts. And needing to deal with unfamiliarity such as the repercussions of a fleeting venture gone awry for other’s immediate gains.

But yay, I survived those rough nights. Literally paid a hefty price tag of a lesson learnt. Closure happened. And April came to an end.

Hullo May!

Amazing stuff have been happening since, unfolding it’s glory one after another, recharging me full with inspiration, joy & gratitude. I thank the Lord for that.

There’s so much I want to share and explode here on the blog albeit sounding potentially incoherent.I don’t know where to start. I don’t even know if I should. There’s this wee bit of hesitation for now but perhaps time will keep those worries unfounded.

In motherhood news: The little boy turned 13 months yesterday (whose counting?!) along with his ever-growing bag of tricks. He’s gained more confidence in taking a few steps just hanging on to my left or right pinkie which is so exciting when it happens! Though most of the other times, he trust going on all fours more than anything else. This week was also the first time I bade the little fella a “see you later!” as I left for the office one morning. He didn’t quite know how to respond except to wave bye back to me with his usual wide grin.

Yep, I’m officially a WAHM/PTWM now although only temporarily and so far it’s been good!

Initilaly, I was a bunch of nerves wondering how it’d be, leaving Liam for 4 hours and focusing on doing stuff that doesn’t revolve around him. But know what? Everything worked out way better than I feared. My moms have been utterly amazing in taking such great care of him – to the point of pampering him with lots of outdoor time that I had nothing to worry about at all… maybe except for the time when I got a little bored in the office loo and decided to log on to live feed to see how he was doing only to find that no one was at home (gasp! oh, turns out they went to the coffeeshop for some teh-tarik).

Being back at work after a long break has been a breathe of fresh air. I get to wear some heels, wear a dress on some days, carry a bag that doesn’t contain any diapers, put on makeup without worrying that my little man’s hands would smudge it across my face, people-watch gorgeous people in the heart of CBD, have colleagues, be able to joke and chat with colleagues anything not relating to parenthood/babyhood. And all these while not compromising on my care giving duties with Liam has been making me one happy mama. I even got to blowdry (not airdry) my hair for the first time since motherhood!

I’m still gobsmacked at the very awesome work arrangement, fusing my yearn to get the brain active with work + still being able to care for & bond with my son like before. Indeed God works in mysterious ways.

I didn’t know what was in store for me after dealing with the tail-end of April but on hindsight, those trials & tribulations were necessary in allowing me to appreciate the better things that happened ahead of them. I hope this quote gives you as much hope as it did for me.

Have a blessed May, everyone!

I haven’t been feeling very inspired to blog of late due some unpleasant & unexpected experiences which occurred recently.

God knows how I felt & dealt with everything that happened, and in Him I confided.

To add on to the series of not-so-great events, the little fella’s health also hit a low twice – once, vomitting twice in the wee hours of the night for no reason (there was a moment I froze and didn’t know how to react) / second time occurring exactly one week later, at about the same time as the week before, when we were greeted with explosive diahorrea, twice. Thanks to ru yi oil which made the night more than manageable till we got to a PD in the morning.

Definitely milestones-of-a-different-kind that weren’t welcome, I was so relieved that the chungkin remained his active, cheeky self throughout both incidents.

Like a rebellious child, I have been taking a break from everything, post-valiant effort of offering apologies (accepted) and doing closures on my part. And with the heed of a good o’ proverb, my body has been healing with play, my mind with laughter & my spirit with joy.

A door He closed out of my life, many windows He then opened, with the roof ripping off the top taking the icing on the cake. The recent good news has been overwhelming. God is more than good -  and I wish I say and believe it in more often.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will winsome unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Teresa

Draft entries on the one year milestone, recent adventures have been on the back burner but I promise that I’ll work on them :)

Being the mood-of-the-moment blogger that I am, I’ve never been one to follow themes/link parties as much as I would like to :x

But since it’s December and it being my favourite month of the year (even more so that my birthday month, ah hah!), thought I’d do my darnest to keep to something before 2012 ends. After all, it has been more good than bad to me. :) So here’s joining MamaJ in the linky party on being thankful!

I love beginnings. A brand new day. A brand new month. A brand new year.

I love new slates. It somehow makes everything bad go away and feel okay, even if the month before had some s**t moments like how end Nov was to me just a week ago.

And December? The beginning of the last month of the year always gives me a rush of adrenalin. The month seems shorter, everyone seems merrier, and my favourite tunes and voices gets played a lot. There’s an impetus to ensure all’s been done for the year before resting one’s laurels, with time for reflections & resolutions in between. And oh the parties! I love parties!

Was it just 2 Decembers ago that I was in low spirits, wondering if we’ll ever grow our family of 2 and get to celebrate christmas with a +1?

And just 1 December ago when our little +1 was making his entrance at every christmas party à la the bump aka. jelly belly?

{chungkin’s bump + christmas presents, dec 2011}

This December kicked off really nicely.

We picked out a pretty little (space constrained with the toys of the moment) fir tree that filled fresh air with sweet nectar as this year’s christmas tree for the home, and the little man was absolutely thrilled during tree selection – reaching out his little arms to do his whole touch-and-feel phase of the moment with *almost* every tree we brushed past.

{chungkin’s first xmas tree selection experience}

I couldn’t be more thankful with how kind the year has been to me.

How generous and loving the Lord continues to be with me and my family.

And I look forward to more amazing experiences as December unfolds.

***

Join us in giving thanks this December!

I’ve been in a bit of a mess.

One moment, I thought I was all done – the cot ready & assembled, all items on the to-buy list checked, the hospital bag packed, little man’s clothes washed and folded, car seat ready to be set-up…

And the next, I realized there’s still some outstanding tasks to complete: employing a FDW which means sourcing (done), interviewing (soon), getting the Bo to his EOP in order to obtain WP for the FDW (unfortunately most agencies are telling me supply is short), getting plastic pails for washing for bb clothes & confinement, a clothing rack for bb items because MIL agrees that washing in the backyard could mean the doggies fur & smell getting to BB’s clothes and….buying a set of new shelves/drawers for the MIL because the Bo & her had a little argument last weekend where she couldn’t keep her things neatly in one place instead of leaving it all over the living room and she told him to “deal with it, this was life” in addition to other remarks which really pissed the Bo off (there was even the thought of potentially moving out should she keep up with insisting on her ways only with the Bo). And with a bit of unforeseen cost involved – the chest alone costing us $1,600 after a discount which could go into the FDW’s budget, I’ve been telling the Bo that if we can get a FDW in soon, perhaps she can pick up after MIL’s mess and save us the additional cost of getting a shelf just for the living room area, plus no guarantees what MIL won’t be leaving her trail of paper and gadgets all over the place again even with new expensive storage in place.

(I can’t believe I just typed that mouthful above without taking a pause in between!)

What I am consoling myself about is that the outstanding stuff are mainly non-nesting/baby related although getting a neat/organized space settled before the newborn makes his appearance will definitely help to organize things a lot better. Am I turning into a neat freak suddenly? Or is this part of preparing for mama-hood?

Meanwhile, the Bo has been taking every possible moment to enjoy his ‘freedom’ before the parent title drops on him. And while I’m cool with it and sometimes secretly envious that he doesn’t have to bother with the nitty gritty preparations since to be fair, he’s the one bringing back the dough just so that we could finally have this baby, I’ve been having some innate freak-out moments of late. I can’t tell if it’s me putting too much pressure on myself to get things running like clockwork so that I won’t feel like a lousy mom come what unpreparedness, or if it’s just the people around me that are causing me to feel this way – i.e.: mil dropping little nuggets of ‘random bombs’ on us re. her last minute demands/request, the Bo feeling the financial stretch & not being able to communicate with his mom on reducing of the additional pocket money since she tends to walk out on conversation as such and me trying to find a means to an end with the fastest solution possible…are you observing a pattern here? I suppose the more people you live with, the more one’s got to deal / settle with. Though it’d be really nice if we can eventually have a nest to call our own (100%, not part of) though. Our space, our rules, our freedom. I know how much the Bo has been yearning for a cozy place each time he sees his peers all settling into one of their own…a blog entry for another day perhaps. Hopefully soon!

But till then, whatever it is I know that as long as I don’t put a limit on His blessings in my life, this year will continue to be one of unceasing fruitfulness and providence.

Keeping the faith.

Many weeks ago, during a routine bloodtest, I was informed that I was tested positive for Thalmessemia minor.

It freaked the shite out of me. Seriously. I had no clue whatsoever that was. Turns out mom didn’t either, nor friends around me.

Ironically, the one person that I didn’t ask – which was the husband – knew a thing or two because his bestie’s wife had a similar diagnosis and told me that I didn’t have to worry being tested positive for it (of course he had to do a little bragging about how he suspected I had thal. all along because of my pale complexion and frequent faint spells) as long as he didn’t have it (tested negative throughout all his medical checks).

And the darnest thing definitely had to be being told this piece of positive (in a not so good way news) after our pregnancy was confirmed. Yay.

So I calmed myself & refused not to be scared over nothing, tear a little, said a prayer & left it to God’s hands and that was that.

I don’t know how, but the Thal. registry soon got wind of my results and asked that I come in for a detailed DNA/genetic test. They asked if I was pregnant, and I said technically yes although I hadn’t passed the all-important ‘heartbeat stage’ yet; and insisted that I brought the husband along for testing, although for all of his life he had been tested negative for it – routine medical checks, army checks, school checks, annual check ups, etc.

I wasn’t impressed with how the blood test session went at the T.R. It was filled mainly with stories of early termination in pregnancy and all, not something that I was opened to listen to – especially for someone who fought her way to this beautiful & wonderful stage (finally). They informed us that the report would be marked ‘urgent’ because we were now pregnant (which is a little too late, don’t you think!) but I did not receive a single call nor report from them till…7 weeks later. And while I kinda knew my result when I finally received a call from them, I was scared stiff and shocked stunned when I was told “your husband has thal. alpha too, but very very mild @ 25%. Don’t worry! At most combined is 75%”. [p.s.: Apparently a 75% carrier can have symptoms that mimic that of a major carrier] 

Holy cow! What was that supposed to mean? We had been living with his side of normalcy & negativity (of thal.) since my diagnosis…and now, this?! I plunged into tears of course after sharing the news with the husband. I did stop myself immediately after I realized how much I could potentially stress baby out with all the sobbing and told myself that we still had a 25% chance of producing a kid without thal. and a 50% chance of a kid only being a carrier and leading a normal life. I said a weepy prayer to God, and told him that he wouldn’t give us one of his greatest gifts only to not anoint with other good things. And I said to him “Lord, I believe that you can take away thalassemia from our little Chung. Because you can.”

I was also told that I could go for some invasive tests to see if our little nugget was indeed a major carrier but (and it was probably one of the fastest & strongest decision I’ve ever made in my life) decided that I wasn’t going to opt for any of them. There was definitely a risk of miscarriage and/or stillbirth by going for these tests and I didn’t want to stress my body/baby/myself out further.

I had a very good, strong feeling about being pregnant on the month my husband wasn’t at his most optimistic – and it came to pass. Now I have another good, strong feeling that baby is going to come out strong & alright – so I believe this will come to pass to.

So today, I was fretting a little before gynae visit as I held both of our reports in my hands. I shared with the dr. beng about the matter and was delighted to hear that he was pro-life and supported me 101% not to go any of those invasive tests too because regardless the outcome, I wasn’t going to abort this child of God. Not an option or consideration. Dr. beng also shared with me a story of a patient who had a similar case as me and I felt even more at peace, as if God had made my gynae his instrument to reassure me to continue trusting in Him (God).

Being told that there is a possibility that baby may not be able to survive should it be a major carrier is really a scare.

BUT I have a really good feeling about this pregnancy and I know I can indeed cast my cares on Him and be anxious for nothing.

I don’t know what other surprises lie ahead, but I know that I’m definitely not alone in this.

Its amazing, this fighting spirit a mom-to-be possess. If not for herself, then for her little nugget

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. ” Proverbs 3:5-6

I woke up bright & early this morning right after hubby set off for work, checked my email for an anticipated reply from my new ob/gyn and read today’s daily devotional which was titled ‘Lord, I Cannot, But You Can!’.

It spoke about turning one’s life over to God and learning about His grace. I couldn’t agree more with the content. In my (our) quest to build a little family of our own over the past 2 years, I’ve been insanely pleading, asking, begging (even) with God for a full-term pregnancy while not entirely leaning & depending on God. And I felt ashamed & guilty of that.

It was like my faith was calling me (the kettle) black.

So starting from today, I need to learn how to lean in God’s grace to experience effortless & permanent changes in my life on the inside & out. While I will still strive to take care of myself, I will refrain from thinking & worrying too much and leaving everything else in God’s hands.

About time I walk the talk.

One man’s meat is another man’s poison

Philippians 4:19 And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.