I’ve been in a bit of a mess.

One moment, I thought I was all done – the cot ready & assembled, all items on the to-buy list checked, the hospital bag packed, little man’s clothes washed and folded, car seat ready to be set-up…

And the next, I realized there’s still some outstanding tasks to complete: employing a FDW which means sourcing (done), interviewing (soon), getting the Bo to his EOP in order to obtain WP for the FDW (unfortunately most agencies are telling me supply is short), getting plastic pails for washing for bb clothes & confinement, a clothing rack for bb items because MIL agrees that washing in the backyard could mean the doggies fur & smell getting to BB’s clothes and….buying a set of new shelves/drawers for the MIL because the Bo & her had a little argument last weekend where she couldn’t keep her things neatly in one place instead of leaving it all over the living room and she told him to “deal with it, this was life” in addition to other remarks which really pissed the Bo off (there was even the thought of potentially moving out should she keep up with insisting on her ways only with the Bo). And with a bit of unforeseen cost involved – the chest alone costing us $1,600 after a discount which could go into the FDW’s budget, I’ve been telling the Bo that if we can get a FDW in soon, perhaps she can pick up after MIL’s mess and save us the additional cost of getting a shelf just for the living room area, plus no guarantees what MIL won’t be leaving her trail of paper and gadgets all over the place again even with new expensive storage in place.

(I can’t believe I just typed that mouthful above without taking a pause in between!)

What I am consoling myself about is that the outstanding stuff are mainly non-nesting/baby related although getting a neat/organized space settled before the newborn makes his appearance will definitely help to organize things a lot better. Am I turning into a neat freak suddenly? Or is this part of preparing for mama-hood?

Meanwhile, the Bo has been taking every possible moment to enjoy his ‘freedom’ before the parent title drops on him. And while I’m cool with it and sometimes secretly envious that he doesn’t have to bother with the nitty gritty preparations since to be fair, he’s the one bringing back the dough just so that we could finally have this baby, I’ve been having some innate freak-out moments of late. I can’t tell if it’s me putting too much pressure on myself to get things running like clockwork so that I won’t feel like a lousy mom come what unpreparedness, or if it’s just the people around me that are causing me to feel this way – i.e.: mil dropping little nuggets of ‘random bombs’ on us re. her last minute demands/request, the Bo feeling the financial stretch & not being able to communicate with his mom on reducing of the additional pocket money since she tends to walk out on conversation as such and me trying to find a means to an end with the fastest solution possible…are you observing a pattern here? I suppose the more people you live with, the more one’s got to deal / settle with. Though it’d be really nice if we can eventually have a nest to call our own (100%, not part of) though. Our space, our rules, our freedom. I know how much the Bo has been yearning for a cozy place each time he sees his peers all settling into one of their own…a blog entry for another day perhaps. Hopefully soon!

But till then, whatever it is I know that as long as I don’t put a limit on His blessings in my life, this year will continue to be one of unceasing fruitfulness and providence.

Keeping the faith.

Many weeks ago, during a routine bloodtest, I was informed that I was tested positive for Thalmessemia minor.

It freaked the shite out of me. Seriously. I had no clue whatsoever that was. Turns out mom didn’t either, nor friends around me.

Ironically, the one person that I didn’t ask – which was the husband – knew a thing or two because his bestie’s wife had a similar diagnosis and told me that I didn’t have to worry being tested positive for it (of course he had to do a little bragging about how he suspected I had thal. all along because of my pale complexion and frequent faint spells) as long as he didn’t have it (tested negative throughout all his medical checks).

And the darnest thing definitely had to be being told this piece of positive (in a not so good way news) after our pregnancy was confirmed. Yay.

So I calmed myself & refused not to be scared over nothing, tear a little, said a prayer & left it to God’s hands and that was that.

I don’t know how, but the Thal. registry soon got wind of my results and asked that I come in for a detailed DNA/genetic test. They asked if I was pregnant, and I said technically yes although I hadn’t passed the all-important ‘heartbeat stage’ yet; and insisted that I brought the husband along for testing, although for all of his life he had been tested negative for it – routine medical checks, army checks, school checks, annual check ups, etc.

I wasn’t impressed with how the blood test session went at the T.R. It was filled mainly with stories of early termination in pregnancy and all, not something that I was opened to listen to – especially for someone who fought her way to this beautiful & wonderful stage (finally). They informed us that the report would be marked ‘urgent’ because we were now pregnant (which is a little too late, don’t you think!) but I did not receive a single call nor report from them till…7 weeks later. And while I kinda knew my result when I finally received a call from them, I was scared stiff and shocked stunned when I was told “your husband has thal. alpha too, but very very mild @ 25%. Don’t worry! At most combined is 75%”. [p.s.: Apparently a 75% carrier can have symptoms that mimic that of a major carrier] 

Holy cow! What was that supposed to mean? We had been living with his side of normalcy & negativity (of thal.) since my diagnosis…and now, this?! I plunged into tears of course after sharing the news with the husband. I did stop myself immediately after I realized how much I could potentially stress baby out with all the sobbing and told myself that we still had a 25% chance of producing a kid without thal. and a 50% chance of a kid only being a carrier and leading a normal life. I said a weepy prayer to God, and told him that he wouldn’t give us one of his greatest gifts only to not anoint with other good things. And I said to him “Lord, I believe that you can take away thalassemia from our little Chung. Because you can.”

I was also told that I could go for some invasive tests to see if our little nugget was indeed a major carrier but (and it was probably one of the fastest & strongest decision I’ve ever made in my life) decided that I wasn’t going to opt for any of them. There was definitely a risk of miscarriage and/or stillbirth by going for these tests and I didn’t want to stress my body/baby/myself out further.

I had a very good, strong feeling about being pregnant on the month my husband wasn’t at his most optimistic – and it came to pass. Now I have another good, strong feeling that baby is going to come out strong & alright – so I believe this will come to pass to.

So today, I was fretting a little before gynae visit as I held both of our reports in my hands. I shared with the dr. beng about the matter and was delighted to hear that he was pro-life and supported me 101% not to go any of those invasive tests too because regardless the outcome, I wasn’t going to abort this child of God. Not an option or consideration. Dr. beng also shared with me a story of a patient who had a similar case as me and I felt even more at peace, as if God had made my gynae his instrument to reassure me to continue trusting in Him (God).

Being told that there is a possibility that baby may not be able to survive should it be a major carrier is really a scare.

BUT I have a really good feeling about this pregnancy and I know I can indeed cast my cares on Him and be anxious for nothing.

I don’t know what other surprises lie ahead, but I know that I’m definitely not alone in this.

Its amazing, this fighting spirit a mom-to-be possess. If not for herself, then for her little nugget

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. ” Proverbs 3:5-6

I woke up bright & early this morning right after hubby set off for work, checked my email for an anticipated reply from my new ob/gyn and read today’s daily devotional which was titled ‘Lord, I Cannot, But You Can!’.

It spoke about turning one’s life over to God and learning about His grace. I couldn’t agree more with the content. In my (our) quest to build a little family of our own over the past 2 years, I’ve been insanely pleading, asking, begging (even) with God for a full-term pregnancy while not entirely leaning & depending on God. And I felt ashamed & guilty of that.

It was like my faith was calling me (the kettle) black.

So starting from today, I need to learn how to lean in God’s grace to experience effortless & permanent changes in my life on the inside & out. While I will still strive to take care of myself, I will refrain from thinking & worrying too much and leaving everything else in God’s hands.

About time I walk the talk.

One man’s meat is another man’s poison

Philippians 4:19 And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.